Sunday, June 17, 2012

Dying to Be Thin!

I'm watching Dr. Oz's show, "Dying to Be Thin" and I'm relating so much to this because this used to be me.  I was tormented in high school by the boyfriend of my best friend who called me "Greg" meaning the thick thighed baseball player, Greg Luzinski.  This happened in the late 1970's.  He would pass me in the hall and say "Hey Greg!" and when I was up to bat in softball games he would yell it out from the stand of people including my parents.  I would ask my girlfriend why she allowed him to say that and not stand up for me and she would just brush it off.  And she was not a skinny minny herself.

I went to one year of college with her and he went there too and they broke up.  I was so upset that we were at the same college and didn't want him doing it there (the campus was huge and I never saw him there) that I began binging and purging.  I was hospitalized several times because I was passing out all the time.  My mom finally came to the campus because I was telling her that I was just "sick" all the time and must miss being home (lying to her and everyone all the time).  She is a nurse and I got away with it with her telling her it was stressful there at that school.  I lost about 60 lbs.  I was 98lbs. when she came there.  My best friend got jealous of my weight loss and she stopped talking to me.  I was like "what the hell?"  Who does that?  I had a boyfriend in college the whole time that year and he accepted me fat and skinny and was worried for me for my stress.

To this day my family still does not know that this was bulemia.
And then just three years ago because of the stress that my father put on me about starting to gain weight, I did it again.  I lost a lot of weight and got to the point where I was then anorexic.  He asked my husband what was wrong with me that I didn't eat much and he said that he didn't know.  And he didn't.  I only just recently came out with the truth to my own husband.

At this time I am somewhat over weight and am now working with my therapist about having a healthy relationship with food.  I am working on losing weight because I am overweight.  Truly.  But this time I am going slow and being under the care of my medical doctor and therapist.  My husband has accepted me at whatever weight I am but my father just cannot accept a "fat Carolyn."  And he has actually called me fat.  He has said things like, "why can't you be in the shape you were in when you were a kid on the swim team?"  That is constantly in my head and I cannot have a good relationship with him because he is so mean to me.  I haven't seen him since I gained my weight back.  I don't plan on seeing him until I lost the weight, whenever that may be.

There are horrible sites on the Internet called "Pro Ana." And you can see them in this search:  HERE.   My sister is obsessed with weight loss too and trying to be perfect.  Both she and I have actually asked each other who weighs less.   Now I just don't discuss weight with her and never send her any current pictures of me.

I "know" that all I need to be is healthy and am working toward that end right now.  I have a love/hate relationship with food.  I will watch shows like "Biggest Loser" and feel good.  But then I will watch "America's Next Top Model" and feel horrible.  I have started a group for those of us who struggle with this.  And if I do and you are interested in being in it as a fellow struggler, please email me to get the link to the private group.  Please don't ask to join the group to promote weight loss products or preach to us.  I am going to be very careful of who I allow in the PRIVATE group.  Thanks for reading!  If you have a teen who needs a group like this, please let me know.  My email is and you can email me.  No need to write your email address in the comments.  Thank you!
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